Time in Couples: The Importance of Clocks, Calendars, and Rhythms

1. Clocks, Calendars, and Couples: Time and the Rhythms of Relationships Peter Fraenkel, Ph.D. Director, Center for Time, Work, and the Family, Ackerman Institute for the Family Associate Professor, Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology The City College of the City University of New York New York, New York

2. Why Think About Time in Couples? Many couples report not enough time or feel out of synch All activities and interactions occur in time Time side to all problems Time an ever-present resource for change Some degree of temporal coordination necessary for relationships to sustain Temporal patterns quickly reveal issues around power and closeness

3. The Power of Time Transitive Principle A = B B= C * * * A=C

4. The Power of Time Time = Money Money = Power * * * Time = Power Question: What are the implications for couple conflicts around income, domestic labor and childcare, and temporal influence in the family?

5. Premises of the Theory Experienced meaning of patterns more important than particular quantitative relationships between variables The experience of temporal differences often changes over time from positive to negative Temporal coordination can be associated with satisfaction or distress Temporal coordination can separate or bring partners together

6. Premises of the Theory Temporal patterns can lead to or follow from distress. There is typically a bidirectional or recursive influence Time issues are rarely the only issues Time issues may be the presenting problem or underlie other issues Couples choose some temporal patterns and find themselves in others without deliberation

7. The Five Temporal Attributes Plus Rhythm Position of Occurrence Duration Pace Frequency Sequence Rhythmicity

8. Temporal Ideation Time Perspective Time Valuation Monitoring use and passage of time Punctuality

9. Systemic Sources of Temporal Patterns Biological and health factors Families of origin Cultures of origin and present context Work and social commitments Technology

10. Impact of Work Hours: Time Poverty Time pressure and time poverty constrict, disrupt, and stress relationships, resulting in individual stress and associated mental and physical health symptoms We need interventions at both the personal and institutional/societal/cultural levels to create more time for relationships

11. Definition of Stress An imbalance between demands of a situation and response capability of a person or a system. McGrath & Tschan, 2004, p. 69

12. Time Poverty & Pressure as a Stressor: Example of Work Objective qualities How many hours of work? How little vacation time? Temporal aspects of the stressor events Single vs. multiple: Asked to stay late once? Or Repeatedly? Frequency: How often in a week/month/year? Duration: How late? Periodicity/Predictability: More in certain seasons than others? Or no rhythm to it? Controllability: Any input into work hours? Number of simultaneous events: Long hours and large number of important projects? Individual perceptions of meaning of the situation and goals: Importance of work identity Concerns about job security Coping resources/experience with the situation Ability to take breaks Ability to sustain healthy relationships despite time crunch

13. Time Poverty and Pressure: Work Relationships Long hours Erratic schedules Little or no leave or vacation time Multitasking Multiple routes of high-speed communication Juggling work and personal responsibilities Lack of temporal boundaries on work

14. Time Poverty and Pressure: Personal Relationships Demanding and dyssynchronous work schedules Lack of temporal boundaries on work (role of technology) Negative spillover from work (negative physiological/emotional arousal) Overcommitment to organized child activities (sports teams, lessons) Overuse of technology for recreational purposes Techno-Speed as metaphor for good life Problems due to larger temporal context become misattributed to relationship and its members

15. Impact of Time Poverty and Pressure on Relationship to Work Sense of fragmentation and hecticness Decreased sense of efficacy Decreased enjoyment of work coupled with increased sense of obligation -- > resentment Increased negative physiological and emotional arousal

16. Impact of Time Poverty and Pressure on Personal Relationships Decreased time together o Reduced time for protective factors (pleasure, intimacy, friendship, mutual understanding) o Reduced time for distress prevention (problem discussion) Loss of opportunity for spontaneity and serendipity o Leads to emphasis on small amounts of quality time Increased Need for Soothing

17. Explicit Time Problems One partner prefers more time for shared activities, other wants more time alone or for work Partners conflict around pace of one or more activities One partner complains about the long work hours of the other

18. Implicit Time Problems Communication problems due to unnamed differences in pace of speech, sequence of problem discussions with other activities, discussion duration, frequency of discussions, lack of time to talk Lack of intimacy yet theres not a free moment in the couples schedule to make intimacy happen! Differences in life goals centering on when (rather than whether) to achieve them

19. The Four As of Putting Time and Rhythm to Work in Relationships Awareness of Time and Influences on Time Affirming or Altering Temporal Patterns Activism Changing Influences on Time

20. Question the 4 Myths The Myth of Spontaneity Reality: Fun & Sex Must be Rhythmized The Myth of Infinite Perfectibility Reality: Set Priorities you cant have it all at least not all at the same time and preferred durations Time Management is not the answer The Myth of Total Control Reality: Forces external to the individual and relationships control your time change them or accept them The Myth that Family Time =/= Chores Find time together in everyday tasks of family life as well as more fun-oriented activities

21. Create Rhythms of Relationship Regularly occurring periods of connection across days, weeks, months, years Not necessarily as special as rituals Rhythm connotes something different than schedules or routines Rhythm linked to music, the body, the seasons, and ancient traditions Schedules and routines linked to Industrial and Post-Industrial production

22. Techniques to Help Couples with Time Time Pies Life Pace Questionnaire Projected Life Chronologies Decompression Chamber Sixty Second Pleasure Points Creative Family Time Multitasking

23. References Fraenkel, P. (1994). Time and rhythm in couples. Family Process , 33 , 37-51. Fraenkel, P. (1996). Zeit und Rhythmus in Paarbeziehungen. Familiendynamik, 21 , 160-182. Fraenkel, P. (November/December 1996). The rhythms of couplehood: Using time as a resource for change. The Family Therapy Networker, 20 , 65-77. Fraenkel, P. (1998). Time and couples, part I: The decompression chamber. In T. Nelson & T. Trepper (Eds.), 101 interventions in family therapy, volume II , (pp. 140-144). West Hazleton, PA: Haworth Press. Fraenkel, P. (1998). Time and couples, part II: The sixty second pleasure point. In T. Nelson & T. Trepper (Eds.), 101 interventions in family therapy, volume II , (pp. 145-149). West Hazleton, PA: Haworth Press. Fraenkel, P. (2001). The beeper in the bedroom: Technology has become a therapeutic issue. The Psychotherapy Networker, 25 22-65.

24. References (continued) Fraenkel, P. (2001). The place of time in couple and family therapy. In K. J. Daly (Ed.), Minding the time in family experience: Emerging perspectives and issues (pp. 283-310). London: JAI. Fraenkel, P. (2003). Contemporary two-parent families: Navigating work and family challenges. In F. Walsh (Ed.), Normal family processes (3rd ed.) (pp. 61- 95). New York: Guilford. Fraenkel, P., & Wilson, S. (2000). Clocks, calendars, and couples: Time and the rhythms of relationships. Papp, P. (Ed.), Couples on the fault line: New directions for therapists (pp. 63-103). New York: Guilford Press. Fraenkel, P., & Pinsof, W. M. (2001). Teaching family therapy-centered integration: Assimilation and beyond. Journal of Psychotherapy Integration, 11, 59-85.